Strategies for Managing High Conflict Marriage or Divorce

                             

Raising a child in a high conflict marriage or divorce is highly toxic. Studies show parental conflict is the biggest predictor of poor outcome for children. The most powerful determinants are the level and intensity of the conflict between parents, and whether the conflict is resolved. This is true, regardless of the parents being married or divorced. When parental conflict overrides the needs of your child, your child's needs are not being met. This teaches your child that she should not have needs or that her needs are not important. This will inevitably impact your child's esteem, relationships, and overall success. In the event of a divorce or separation, parents must distinguish between the marital relationship, which is ending, and the parental relationship, which endures. 

Below we have highlighted some factors that impact the adjustment of children following a separation or divorce.

1) Degree of exposure to parental conflict.

2) Adjustment of the child.

3) Adjustment of the parent/s.

4) History of grief/loss/transition.

5) Resources available to child and parent/s.

6) Physical/emotional availability of each parent.

Rules to follow to support your child:

DO NOT:

1) Speak negatively of the other parent in front of the child.

2) Ask the child to take messages to the other parent.

3) Share any of the legal/personal aspects of the divorce with your child.

4) Use visitation with the other parent to reinforce or punish child’s behavior.

5) Withhold important information from the other parent.

6) Use visitation as leverage/bargaining chip with the other parent.

7) Negatively compare the child/child’s traits or behavior to the other parent.

8) Use gifts or money to win child’s favor/affection.

9) Ask child to lie, directly or by omission, to the other parent.

10) Use what the child tells you to manipulate/coerce/threaten the other parent.

DO:

1) Allow the child to have a healthy, loving relationship with the other parent.

2) Send other parent pertinent information from schools, doctors, etc.

3) Remain respectful of the other parent.

4) Develop a parenting plan based on the best interests of and needs of the child.

5) Attend all school/extracurricular functions and activities and plan out how you can do this and remain neutral.

6) Have regular and consistent visitation and be on time to pickup and return the child.

7) Take care of yourself.

8) Treat the other parent the way you would like to be treated in return regardless of the other parent’s choices, and NEVER LOSE SIGHT THAT YOU ARE DOING IT FOR YOUR CHILD.

A Graduates Speech - July 2014

The Importance of Being Real

It is not until one is real that one is free—free of the crippling pressure of shame, free of the paralyzing grasp of fear—and as awful as these are, the only way is through.

By the time I was 16, I had no idea who I was. I spent hours every night planning the next day. I thought through everything I said before I said it. Hours wasted holding back what I really wanted to say because just being me wasn’t good enough. By the time I was 16, I was lost—lost in an overwhelming world, stuck behind a façade I had grown so sick of.

Now on July 18^th, 2014, I can finally say that I’ve shed my mask. I speak from my heart, not from my fear. I fall asleep proud; proud of all I accomplished that day; proud of who I’ve become. I found that not only have I found the real me, but I have found someone who is greater than I ever could’ve pretended to be.

I took off my mask, and my skin breathed in the fresh air, soaked up the sun. I’m glowing with the essence of me, a courageous and successful young woman who lives life to its fullest.

Embracing the real me has been one of the most difficult things I’ve ever had to do. I’ve had to surrender the urges to please those around me. I’ve had to surrender the urges to plan my life before it has a chance to happen. I let go of the shame and fear that suffocated me for so long, and I took a deep breath of sweet reality. A reality that’s better than I ever could have forced it to be. A reality in which I can thrive.

This is my time, and I am taking full advantage of it. I’m on the right path, the path that my fate has set out for me. Now that I am the real me, I’m ready to take on the world with valor, and I know that the real me is capable of doing whatever she puts her mind to. 

BLOG-A-THON ON THE 4 EGO STATES AND FIVE CORE ISSUES:

Blog 1:

What does it take to grow up?  As children we all thought about what we wanted to "be" (aka "do") when we grew up, but did any of us have an idea about how this growing up was to happen?  Most of us had no clue.  

Enter Spring Ridge Academy and the work of a woman by the name of Pia Mellody.  Thanks to Pia we now have a two part blueprint and steps we can take to grow up, regardless of our age. 

The first part of this blueprint is the four ego states.  These are founded on the developmental stages theorized by Erik Erickson and are based on the capability of children at the various ages/stages in their development.  Pia took this one step further and developed a way to look backwards at our own path towards maturation.  When we look back through her lens, we see what happened to us, how it impacted us, and where we have developed 'potholes' that have kept us from really and truly growing up. Pia calls these potholes ego states, and she has defined four of them. 

The first is the wounded child, which develops before the age of 6.  This part of us is all about emotions and magical thinking.  We cannot define what we feel, but we express it through laughter, tears, tantrums, and physical means.  We take on the emotional state of those around us and cannot differentiate our feelings from theirs. We interpret events through child-like eyes and child-like mind, and that interpretation may not be accurate.  A perfect example of this is my daughter's memory of falling in a boat slip when she was 2.  Her grandfather saw her go in and pulled her out, but to this day, her memory is that he pushed her in.  She now knows that that child reality is not accurate, but that child memory remains intact.  We are so interesting—aren't we?

The second ego state develops between ages 6 and 9 or10.  It is the first adapted adult/wounded child ego state.  As we begin to have more cognitive ability, we seek ways we can change in order to make the adults entrusted with our care feel or act better.  So, we may have shifted from being the center of the universe, but our task is daunting - figuring out how to be different so others will change.

The third ego state develops from between ages 11 and 17.  It is the final adapted adult/wounded child ego state, and the one that I most fondly refer to as my "13 year old bitch".  At this point, we have tried to change ourselves to make others act and feel better, but they just have not cooperated.  They aren't better, we aren't better, and we have had enough.  This is when we go out into behaviors simply to make us feel better: sex, drugs, and rock ‘n’ roll is a common theme, but it can also be expressed through isolation, cutting, or depression.

So far this is sounding pretty bleak...Thank goodness there is another option!

That option is to grow up by developing and practicing acting from what Pia calls a functional ego state.  This is an age-appropriate ego state that continues to mature, grow, learn, and live life in a way that is accountable, empowered, and responsible.  This is that sweet spot where life gets, well not easy, but more simple.  We may have the younger parts of ourselves surface from time to time, but we recognize their voices, and we no longer get swept away by their emotional tides and left adrift in a sea of negative feelings and bad choices.  A functional ego state is all about choice.

And choice is all about the five core issues.

The Strategies of Co-Parenting

                                                  Why Co-Parenting Matters

                                                    (from a professional perspective)

Effective co-parenting is the art of not only sharing equal responsibility in the raising of your child but also maintaining consistency and structure in the approach of parenting. Co-parenting includes any two or more individuals who are responsible for raising a child. This includes married, cohabitating, separated or divorced couples; grandparents; family members; or any other adults raising a child.

Communication is essential. It is essential for co-parents to develop routines and rules that remain consistent, whether or not you live in the same home with your co-parent. Keep in mind, though, that this does not mean that each of you must parent exactly the same way. On the contrary, it's important for you to develop your own parenting style while also working toward an appropriate level of consistency for your children.

We recommend that you develop a parenting plan and review it regularly. This plan may include how to handle specific challenges with your child, rewards and consequences, financial requests, academic expectations, curfew, technology use, and household rules. Maintaining consistency within the dynamic of your co-parenting will reinforce to your daughter that parents are a united front and result in more harmony within the family. When a child receives the message that her parents are united, consistent, structured, and working in her best interest, she is less likely to defy one and adhere to the other, manipulate, or split. She feels a sense of security and reduced anxiety. She trusts her parents and learns that she can rely on them. She gains a sense of responsibility because she knows what is expected of her. She is less likely to push boundaries.

                                                       Why Co-Parenting Matters

                                                    (from a student's perspective)

As an adolescent living under the care of parents who are divorced or together, it is important to be consistent in co-parenting, working together, and staying on the same page.

In the case of divorced parents or separated parents, having the same set of rules and structure in both homes is important in setting your daughter up for success. In a household where the parents are together it is equally as important to have consistency with parents setting the same parameters, structures, and rules. Inconsistency in rules, structure, and expectations in the household or households can leave room for chaos and confusion. Consistency leaves no room for "parent shopping" or in other words going from one parent to the other to get the answer the daughter wants. Not being able to parent shop in my family system has kept me consistent in following the rules and expectations and has allowed me to respect rules and learn their importance.

Another key point in co-parenting is keeping a clear line between parent and friend. An important part in making this line clear is not sharing personal struggles with your daughter. A few examples of personal matters that should be kept personal are troubles with your spouse, stress around money, and problems at work. This has been key for my family because I have not had to worry about my parents’ struggles. This helps me remember that my parents are parents and an authority figure. This helps me to be more willing to respect their rules and guidelines. When being not holding good boundaries about what is and is not okay to share with your daughter, the parent and friend line is blurred, and it is harder to see a parent as an authority figure.

Co-parenting makes re-entering home life much easier and attainable. It has set me up to do well on my visits and helped me respect the guidelines I am expected to follow. Although co-parenting has helped me and is important at times it isn't always my favorite thing. Sometimes when I do not want to follow the rules or guidelines I want to "parent shop," but I don't have the option. It isn't always fun, but it is effective and I appreciate it in the long run. 

More contributions from our students and staff on this topic will be added shortly. 

A Graduate's Speech - June 2014

I’d like to start off today’s celebration by posing a question: What is education? Is it having a 4.0 GPA in high school? Is it getting a college degree from and Ivy League school? Or is it becoming a brain surgeon? In today’s world, most people would agree that these notions are considered to be a top education. However, I believe that education is so much more than this.

Yes, going to school is very important, but being educated doesn’t necessarily mean being book smart. It also includes learning outside of the classroom on a regular basis. In my opinion, education is the ability to meet life’s situations. It is making a variety of choices, learning from your mistakes, and then making a better decision in the future. Education is the ability to listen to almost anything without losing your temper or self-confidence.

A wise man once said, “Education is not preparation for life; education is life itself.” This is what Spring Ridge Academy strives to teach us every day. Not only were we given a quality education academically with passionate and driven teachers, we were also given an opportunity to look at ourselves on a deeper level and to learn from what is not working in our lives.

So, it is with passion, courage, and a strong sense of self that we take our next steps into the world. There will be times in our lives when we must go through difficult times and make many sacrifices. But the beautiful thing about learning is that no one can take it away from you. It stays with you for the rest of your life. Nelson Mandela once said, “Education is the most powerful weapon which you can use to change the world.” So, if I may give you all some words of wisdom from the graduating class of 2014, “Develop a passion for learning. If you do, you will never cease to grow.”-- Anthony J. D'Angelo