As the mother of a 2 year old I hear this phrase daily. For my son it is an age appropriate, developmental need to experience autonomy and to discover he is able to solve problems on his own. Unfortunately for adults this desire to solve problems on our own is not always age appropriate, nor does it work in families. Families by definition are systems. Systems require cooperation and communication to function. Operating in isolation can quickly lead to the breakdown of the system. Why is it so difficult to ask for help when we need it the most?
Often it is because we are afraid, embarrassed and ashamed. It seems easier to hide our "faults" and "problems" than to burden others with what we believe we should be able to handle ourselves as parents, professionals and adults. The truth is this belief system simply does not work. It limits and isolates, creates stress and even despair.
Many parents are in this position when they enroll their daughters at Spring Ridge. They feel alone and are grieving the loss of what they had dreamed of for their daughter. Nothing they have tried has worked to stop their daughter's downward spiral. Dealing with these issues is often isolating. The parents of other kids don't understand, extended family members second-guess or appear judgmental and the stress drives many inward.
It is on the heels of these experiences parents arrive at their first SRA workshop, Parent Challenge. Participants are given the space and opportunity to safely share and connect. When that opportunity is acted upon the results can be magical. Participants not only gain insight and build confidence; they create connections, find support and develop what become lifelong friendships. Reaching out for help, while scary, can be a rewarding and even transformative experience. It may not always solve the problem immediately, but it can provide support, connection and hope. Sometimes that is the solution.
Check out what a parent wrote about this process. Adrian Segar has been instrumental in the success of these workshops and in supporting parents. He has a wonderful website, blog and book. Please share your comments on the topic as well!
Friday, February 12, 2010
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
SRA Parent Immersion Program
The buzz on the SRA campus and among parents recently seems simply to be about parenting. We spend considerable time talking about and assessing parenting styles. This is helpful in determining what has and has not worked for the parents. However, over the past year SRA parents have been asking for more. More details, more hints, more language and more practice working with their daughters. Our parents are looking for specifics. They need more than encouraging advice to “let go and trust the process”. They want to do the best job they can to set structure in their homes and to be effective, loving and confident parents.
In response we have implemented many new features to our program including workshops, orientation for parents, in the moment coaching on visits and a Parent Liaison to work with parents through their questions and concerns. However, the parent of an SRA student recently raised the bar. In an effort to improve her ability to parent her daughter with a “neutral voice” she spent a week on campus. She spent this week studying our staff, how they interacted with students, responded to questions, dealt with conflicts and moved through normal everyday issues and incidents.
Her conclusion, a concise list of the 4 C’s of parenting. She describes them as follows:
Here it is: the 4 'C's'
Be Clear, [give specific requests or directions]
Be Concise,[don't over-explain or be drawn into discussion]
Be Calm, [don't raise a voice level]
Be Consistent [follow up right away and give natural and logical
consequence, positive or negative]
Another parent added the C of Commitment, because as anyone who has participated on this process knows it takes an unwavering dedication to create change (another C). The language is not always natural or intuitive, but the results are tremendous. A healthy, well boundaried parent contributes to a healthy well-boundaried relationship and ultimately a healthy, well-boundaried daughter. While the parenting manual handed out at birth did not explain this, apparently that is how we get those happy and healthy kids.
In response we have implemented many new features to our program including workshops, orientation for parents, in the moment coaching on visits and a Parent Liaison to work with parents through their questions and concerns. However, the parent of an SRA student recently raised the bar. In an effort to improve her ability to parent her daughter with a “neutral voice” she spent a week on campus. She spent this week studying our staff, how they interacted with students, responded to questions, dealt with conflicts and moved through normal everyday issues and incidents.
Her conclusion, a concise list of the 4 C’s of parenting. She describes them as follows:
Here it is: the 4 'C's'
Be Clear, [give specific requests or directions]
Be Concise,[don't over-explain or be drawn into discussion]
Be Calm, [don't raise a voice level]
Be Consistent [follow up right away and give natural and logical
consequence, positive or negative]
Another parent added the C of Commitment, because as anyone who has participated on this process knows it takes an unwavering dedication to create change (another C). The language is not always natural or intuitive, but the results are tremendous. A healthy, well boundaried parent contributes to a healthy well-boundaried relationship and ultimately a healthy, well-boundaried daughter. While the parenting manual handed out at birth did not explain this, apparently that is how we get those happy and healthy kids.
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