Raising a child in a
high conflict marriage or divorce is highly toxic.
Studies show parental conflict is
the biggest predictor of poor outcome for children. The most powerful
determinants are the level and intensity of the conflict between parents, and
whether the conflict is resolved. This is true, regardless of the parents being
married or divorced. When parental conflict overrides the needs
of your child, your child's needs are not being met. This teaches your child
that she should not have needs or that her needs are not important. This will
inevitably impact your child's esteem, relationships, and overall success. In the event of a divorce or separation, parents
must distinguish between the marital relationship, which is ending, and the
parental relationship, which endures.
Below we have highlighted some factors
that impact the adjustment of children following a separation or divorce.
1) Degree of exposure to parental conflict.
2) Adjustment of the
child.
3) Adjustment of the
parent/s.
4) History of
grief/loss/transition.
5) Resources available
to child and parent/s.
6) Physical/emotional
availability of each parent.
Rules to follow to support your child:
DO
NOT:
1) Speak negatively of
the other parent in front of the child.
2) Ask the child to
take messages to the other parent.
3) Share any of the
legal/personal aspects of the divorce with your child.
4) Use visitation with
the other parent to reinforce or punish child’s behavior.
5) Withhold important
information from the other parent.
6) Use visitation as
leverage/bargaining chip with the other parent.
7) Negatively compare
the child/child’s traits or behavior to the other parent.
8) Use gifts or money
to win child’s favor/affection.
9) Ask child to lie,
directly or by omission, to the other parent.
10) Use what the child
tells you to manipulate/coerce/threaten the other parent.
DO:
1) Allow the child to
have a healthy, loving relationship with the other parent.
2) Send other parent
pertinent information from schools, doctors, etc.
3) Remain respectful of
the other parent.
4) Develop a parenting
plan based on the best interests of and needs of the child.
5) Attend all
school/extracurricular functions and activities and plan out how you can do
this and remain neutral.
6) Have regular and
consistent visitation and be on time to pickup and return the child.
7) Take care of
yourself.
8) Treat the other
parent the way you would like to be treated in return regardless of the other
parent’s choices, and NEVER LOSE SIGHT THAT YOU ARE DOING IT FOR YOUR CHILD.
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