In an ideal world the holiday season is a time to reflect, relax and celebrate with family and friends. Unfortunately, most of us don’t live in this world exclusively. For the rest of us the holiday season may also include airports, malls, family conflicts, stress and excess. Managing the holidays can be a challenge. Add in a family member in treatment, and the holidays take on an extra element of stress and logistical madness. The first step in preparing for a successful and enjoyable holiday visit is setting reasonable expectations. Whether visiting with your daughter on campus, in the area or at home this holiday will likely be different from previous ones in many regards.
Tips for a successful visit:
· Parents set tone and structure. Talk to your daughter and other family members about expectations and structure. Describe what your goal and purpose is for the visit and what that would look like in terms of structure, behavior and attitude. Listen to your daughter and other family member’s input, but do not defer to your daughter to set the structure and rules or to facilitate discussions “because she knows how to do this from being at SRA”. She is still your daughter and you are still the parent.
· Stick with the routine and structure. Visits are the most important times to practice structure in the home and holidays are no exception. Continue to reinforce healthy choices by scheduling consistent wake-up and bedtimes and maintaining daily exercise and physical activity. Visits are not the time to reward your daughter or give her a vacation from structure. She has been successful because of the structure not in spite of it.
· Beware of the sugar and caffeine beasts! Holidays often bring with them colorful and tasty treats. Overindulgence however, can result in a nasty crash in mood and behavior. Students have been maintaining healthy diets with moderate opportunity for sweets. A drastic change in diet and environment can spell disaster. Keep in mind the concept of eating to nourish. This will assist in preventing food from becoming a reward, an appeasement for guilt or as a replacement of other mood altering substances.
· Dealing with Substance abuse issues. Holidays can include parties. Be mindful of family members in recovery when making holiday plans. Often extended family members can be very eager to see their niece, granddaughter etc. Do not let other’s enthusiasm (or pressure) override your daughter’s safety and sobriety. Talk with your daughter about possible encounters and triggers. Prioritize your events and gatherings in alignment with agreed upon structure and purpose for the visit. You do not need to keep your daughter locked in the house but you do need to make choices that support your family structure and purpose.
· Stay on purpose. Gift giving can be a wonderful part of the holidays or… an easy way to slip back into guilt and entitlement. If buying gifts discuss a budget and stick with it. Encourage creative and meaningful gifts that don’t necessarily cost a lot of money.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Giving Thanks
As we enter the holiday season it seems fitting to discuss gratitude. What will you give thanks for this year? What has been most meaningful or most gratifying? A common theme at Spring Ridge Academy is the idea that what we are often most grateful for is the growth that has arisen out of a difficult or painful situation. SRA parents seem to experience this frequently. The idea that what was a terrifying experience and gut wrenching decision to send their daughter away, resulted in a profound and life-changing opportunity. The process of being a part of SRA allows many parents to detach from their daughter’s emotions, experiences and success and to engage in their own personal development, offering a new way to experience themselves and life.
One of the questions we are asked most frequently at Spring Ridge is what is your success rate? We answer that question in mostly anecdotal terms. The reality is if you ask the parents of students who have completed SRA they will tell you it has been a huge success, 95% plus. However, what is impossible to explain at the beginning of this process is how the definition of success will change as a family moves through the program. By the time a student is completing (or not completing) most parents no longer solely define success in terms of their daughter’s grades, goals and attitude, but also by the parents’ ability to separate themselves from their daughter’s experience, see her choices as just that, her choices, and not as a reflection of them. Parents acknowledge their own success and progress in setting structure, maintaining boundaries and establishing an identity not based exclusively on being a parent or spouse. What begins as a crisis seems to often transform into a gift.
As always, we at SRA are grateful for the trust that is placed in us, the connection we are able to make with caring and committed parents and families and the opportunity we have share in the process of healing, learning and growth. Happy Thanksgiving to all of you, and thank you.
We would like to open this discussion to your thoughts on gratitude. What do you find yourself giving thanks for? Is gratitude a value and practice in your family? If so, how is it practiced? If not how would you like to practice it in your family?
Please feel free to comment and share your experience and wisdom.
One of the questions we are asked most frequently at Spring Ridge is what is your success rate? We answer that question in mostly anecdotal terms. The reality is if you ask the parents of students who have completed SRA they will tell you it has been a huge success, 95% plus. However, what is impossible to explain at the beginning of this process is how the definition of success will change as a family moves through the program. By the time a student is completing (or not completing) most parents no longer solely define success in terms of their daughter’s grades, goals and attitude, but also by the parents’ ability to separate themselves from their daughter’s experience, see her choices as just that, her choices, and not as a reflection of them. Parents acknowledge their own success and progress in setting structure, maintaining boundaries and establishing an identity not based exclusively on being a parent or spouse. What begins as a crisis seems to often transform into a gift.
As always, we at SRA are grateful for the trust that is placed in us, the connection we are able to make with caring and committed parents and families and the opportunity we have share in the process of healing, learning and growth. Happy Thanksgiving to all of you, and thank you.
We would like to open this discussion to your thoughts on gratitude. What do you find yourself giving thanks for? Is gratitude a value and practice in your family? If so, how is it practiced? If not how would you like to practice it in your family?
Please feel free to comment and share your experience and wisdom.
Friday, September 25, 2009
Self-Care: Go Ahead I Dare you!
Many of us growing up were taught to put others first, be a team player and that nothing worthwhile comes easily. This may explain why as adults it can be so difficult to put aside, even temporarily, responsibilities at work and to family in order to take care of ourselves. Many of us are driven to keep up a maddening pace of meetings, errands, events and appointments, trying to keep all the balls in the air. It is no wonder depression, anxiety and obesity have hit epidemic proportions. We are simply not taking care of ourselves. Self-care is the basic ingredient towards a healthy and happy life. It includes everything from diet and fitness to open communication and healthy boundaries. At Spring Ridge Academy we promote the concept of self-care and accountability. If you want your family, relationships and life to work look in the mirror and practice taking care of yourself first. The only one whose happiness you can ensure is your own.
The links below explore various aspects of health and self-care. Use today’s blog as a reminder (or even permission) to do something today that is a healthy choice for you. The only person you owe it to is yourself!
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/18/science/18angier.html
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=111887591
The links below explore various aspects of health and self-care. Use today’s blog as a reminder (or even permission) to do something today that is a healthy choice for you. The only person you owe it to is yourself!
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/18/science/18angier.html
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=111887591
Friday, August 14, 2009
Mobile Technology: How connected are we?
We live in an age when we can be more “connected” than ever. Through email, text messages, instant messaging, social networks, online gaming, blogging and mobile technology we have the ability to work from anywhere, stay in contact with anyone and find information on anything. So why is it more and more people are feeling over-whelmed by the pace, expectations and needs of business, family and social life? Is it because as opposed to being more efficient with our time we are simply spreading ourselves even thinner by attempting to work from everywhere, stay in contact with everyone and stay informed on everything?
Online, wireless and mobile technologies have become part of our everyday lives. Our businesses depend on communication technology, family logistics are managed by it and relationships with friends and extended family survive on it. There are wonderful benefits to all of this. However, it can become a 24/7 job just keeping up with what is supposed to simplify our lives, reduce our work load and bring us all closer together. For many of us we are not keeping up. We are losing ground when it comes to creating meaningful and authentic connections with those we love. Part of what is being lost is the quality in our communication, the inflection, facial expressions and the subtle nuances that cannot be expressed through text, email or tweeting. We are getting bits and pieces but rarely the whole package, a meaningful, uninterrupted conversation or experience.
Teenagers are paying the price at alarming high rates. They lack the maturity, judgment, and perspective to manage the constant barrage of information and social demands placed on them. Their need for acceptance is too great to allow them to unplug and relax. As a result they are experiencing sleep loss, poor attention in the classroom and many describe feeling anxiety and pressure to stay in the loop with peers. It also may be disrupting the development of age appropriate problem solving skills, boundaries, social skills and self confidence. In a recent survey on the Spring Ridge Academy campus students admitted to being too embarrassed to use a phone to call their parents for help in an awkward or dangerous situation, they only felt comfortable texting. They discussed times when they texted someone sitting in the same car rather than speaking to them directly or sitting with a friend while each texted other people. Students also disclosed safety concerns including sending and receiving inappropriate or threatening messages communicating with someone they did not know and texting while driving.
The Lost Art of Parenting blog will explore this issue in a series of posts and offer real solutions for realistically using technology, mobile communication and social networking to actually improve our lives and relationships. Parents will gain perspective on teen and preteen concerns surrounding this issue and how to set structure in order to assist their children to have appropriate boundaries. SRA will be a leader in modeling this structure. This blog will serve as a tool to create effective change, authentic connection and assist families in making the best and most meaningful use of their time.
The first step in managing communication technology and social networking in our families is practicing it ourselves, if we do not practice appropriate use of this technology neither will our kids. Here are ten steps you can take to begin modeling healthy choices.
1. Turn off cell phones and mobile devices during meals.
2. Set shutdown times for phones and computers in the evening to begin winding down before going to bed.
3. Do not text while driving!
4. Keep personal conversations private.
5. Don’t be an extreme multi-tasker. Don’t talk in line at the bank or grocery store, don’t text while talking on the phone.
6. Put your phone or mobile device on vibrate or silent when in settings such as, libraries, schools, performances, meetings, movie theaters, places of worship etc.
7. Follow the rules; turn off your phone, mobile device and/or laptop in hospitals or on airplanes when asked to do so.
8. If expecting an urgent call let the people you are with know in advance and excuse yourself when the call comes in.
9. Don’t fall into the email and text trap. Remember a personal conversation can be the best, most effective and efficient way to communicate.
10. Take advantage of car time with your family. Avoid cell phone conversations when you have the opportunity to talk to the person sitting next to you. Important conversations can happen on the way home from work or school. It is also a time to be aware of how your child or family member is feeling, pick up on the nonverbal cues.
Online, wireless and mobile technologies have become part of our everyday lives. Our businesses depend on communication technology, family logistics are managed by it and relationships with friends and extended family survive on it. There are wonderful benefits to all of this. However, it can become a 24/7 job just keeping up with what is supposed to simplify our lives, reduce our work load and bring us all closer together. For many of us we are not keeping up. We are losing ground when it comes to creating meaningful and authentic connections with those we love. Part of what is being lost is the quality in our communication, the inflection, facial expressions and the subtle nuances that cannot be expressed through text, email or tweeting. We are getting bits and pieces but rarely the whole package, a meaningful, uninterrupted conversation or experience.
Teenagers are paying the price at alarming high rates. They lack the maturity, judgment, and perspective to manage the constant barrage of information and social demands placed on them. Their need for acceptance is too great to allow them to unplug and relax. As a result they are experiencing sleep loss, poor attention in the classroom and many describe feeling anxiety and pressure to stay in the loop with peers. It also may be disrupting the development of age appropriate problem solving skills, boundaries, social skills and self confidence. In a recent survey on the Spring Ridge Academy campus students admitted to being too embarrassed to use a phone to call their parents for help in an awkward or dangerous situation, they only felt comfortable texting. They discussed times when they texted someone sitting in the same car rather than speaking to them directly or sitting with a friend while each texted other people. Students also disclosed safety concerns including sending and receiving inappropriate or threatening messages communicating with someone they did not know and texting while driving.
The Lost Art of Parenting blog will explore this issue in a series of posts and offer real solutions for realistically using technology, mobile communication and social networking to actually improve our lives and relationships. Parents will gain perspective on teen and preteen concerns surrounding this issue and how to set structure in order to assist their children to have appropriate boundaries. SRA will be a leader in modeling this structure. This blog will serve as a tool to create effective change, authentic connection and assist families in making the best and most meaningful use of their time.
The first step in managing communication technology and social networking in our families is practicing it ourselves, if we do not practice appropriate use of this technology neither will our kids. Here are ten steps you can take to begin modeling healthy choices.
1. Turn off cell phones and mobile devices during meals.
2. Set shutdown times for phones and computers in the evening to begin winding down before going to bed.
3. Do not text while driving!
4. Keep personal conversations private.
5. Don’t be an extreme multi-tasker. Don’t talk in line at the bank or grocery store, don’t text while talking on the phone.
6. Put your phone or mobile device on vibrate or silent when in settings such as, libraries, schools, performances, meetings, movie theaters, places of worship etc.
7. Follow the rules; turn off your phone, mobile device and/or laptop in hospitals or on airplanes when asked to do so.
8. If expecting an urgent call let the people you are with know in advance and excuse yourself when the call comes in.
9. Don’t fall into the email and text trap. Remember a personal conversation can be the best, most effective and efficient way to communicate.
10. Take advantage of car time with your family. Avoid cell phone conversations when you have the opportunity to talk to the person sitting next to you. Important conversations can happen on the way home from work or school. It is also a time to be aware of how your child or family member is feeling, pick up on the nonverbal cues.
Friday, July 31, 2009
What Functional Families Provide
What Functional Families Provide
Clear rules that are expected to be followed – The emphasis here is on the word clear. Clear means understood and fully communicated. All too often we do not express rules but instead expect that “everyone knows that”. The facts are that everyone doesn’t know. Do rule-setting while sitting down. Communicate directly and answer questions if the kids have them. This is also a great opportunity to talk about the difference between following the rule and following the spirit of the rule.
Rules that are possible to follow – Be realistic. Expect only what is practical and possible to expect. Setting impossible-to-follow rules is setting up the children for failure and failure is not what we want them to practice.
Rules that the adults follow, too – One of the easiest ways to set rules that are possible to follow is to follow them yourself! It is a very painful experience for a parent is to be called a hypocrite and deserve it. Don’t fall into this trap. Following your own rules and standards has a lasting effect. Our children are the masters of ‘doing what we do and ignoring what we say’.
The family supports the child learning to think for him/herself – All of us have been tempted to ask our children, “If everyone else went over a cliff, would you?” However, how many times have we directly or indirectly shamed our children by criticizing or being sarcastic in response to their thought process? We need to encourage independent thinking to avoid the “lemming response” to alcohol, drugs, sex and abusive relationships as well as the rest of the negative temptations in our culture today.
The family may disagree with the child’s thinking but will always value the child – This is a key concept for the development and maintenance of healthy self-esteem. The idea here is that the child is precious and valuable for themselves, not for what they think or do. Remember, the pre-frontal cortex doesn’t really mature until approximately age 25. Why would we expect the child to make perfect sense to us? We need to not act as though those things we have learned in our 30-45 years are truths known by all. This is information that we, as parents, are obliged to pass on to our children. Trust me, they will listen and be open if they know you value them even if you disagree with them.
The family provides a system for problem-solving – When we say a system we mean that there is a universally understood process (See the first paragraph above) by which differences in opinion or conflicts of another nature will be resolved. This, again, should be an organized, whole-family, sit-down process where everyone gets to express opinions and feelings but the parents make the final decision.
The family reinforces the message that having problems to solve is normal – Finally, help normalize the fact that there will always be human conflict, especially between those who are close and love each other. Make conflict an exercise in respect. Model putting yourself out for the relationship(s) around you. There is no better gift you can give your child!
After Pia Mellody
Clear rules that are expected to be followed – The emphasis here is on the word clear. Clear means understood and fully communicated. All too often we do not express rules but instead expect that “everyone knows that”. The facts are that everyone doesn’t know. Do rule-setting while sitting down. Communicate directly and answer questions if the kids have them. This is also a great opportunity to talk about the difference between following the rule and following the spirit of the rule.
Rules that are possible to follow – Be realistic. Expect only what is practical and possible to expect. Setting impossible-to-follow rules is setting up the children for failure and failure is not what we want them to practice.
Rules that the adults follow, too – One of the easiest ways to set rules that are possible to follow is to follow them yourself! It is a very painful experience for a parent is to be called a hypocrite and deserve it. Don’t fall into this trap. Following your own rules and standards has a lasting effect. Our children are the masters of ‘doing what we do and ignoring what we say’.
The family supports the child learning to think for him/herself – All of us have been tempted to ask our children, “If everyone else went over a cliff, would you?” However, how many times have we directly or indirectly shamed our children by criticizing or being sarcastic in response to their thought process? We need to encourage independent thinking to avoid the “lemming response” to alcohol, drugs, sex and abusive relationships as well as the rest of the negative temptations in our culture today.
The family may disagree with the child’s thinking but will always value the child – This is a key concept for the development and maintenance of healthy self-esteem. The idea here is that the child is precious and valuable for themselves, not for what they think or do. Remember, the pre-frontal cortex doesn’t really mature until approximately age 25. Why would we expect the child to make perfect sense to us? We need to not act as though those things we have learned in our 30-45 years are truths known by all. This is information that we, as parents, are obliged to pass on to our children. Trust me, they will listen and be open if they know you value them even if you disagree with them.
The family provides a system for problem-solving – When we say a system we mean that there is a universally understood process (See the first paragraph above) by which differences in opinion or conflicts of another nature will be resolved. This, again, should be an organized, whole-family, sit-down process where everyone gets to express opinions and feelings but the parents make the final decision.
The family reinforces the message that having problems to solve is normal – Finally, help normalize the fact that there will always be human conflict, especially between those who are close and love each other. Make conflict an exercise in respect. Model putting yourself out for the relationship(s) around you. There is no better gift you can give your child!
After Pia Mellody
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
The Lost Art of Parenting
The Lost Art of Parenting BLOG was created as a forum for sharing insights, tools and information regarding the practice of proactive parenting.
The purpose of Proactive and Purposeful Parenting as we have defined at Spring Ridge Academy is: To create a safe, trustworthy and nurturing environment that promotes emotional, physical, mental, social and spiritual growth and connection and supports age appropriate developmental stages, individuation and self regulation.
What is a parent’s role when a child enters residential treatment? Does the parent play a passive role waiting for a healed child to be returned to them? Should the parent play the role of negotiator and director of the therapeutic process? At what point is it best to step in and at what point should one let go and trust the guidance of a therapist and/or program? These are some of the questions parents face as they embark on the treatment process with their child. The truth is parents play a pivotal role in treatment of a daughter or son. One of the most significant factors influencing treatment outcome is active and meaningful parental involvement. Parents have the ability to support changes being made by the child and to direct changes made within the family environment. Conversely, a parent can quickly undermine or delay therapeutic progress by enabling the child’s non-working, immature, manipulative behavior. One of the first steps in letting go is allowing a child to experience discomfort and natural consequences without stepping in to “soften the blow” or reduce the pain. This allows the child to not only understand there are consequences in life, but also to learn to tolerate discomfort, to delay gratification and to initiate solving his or her own problems. It is a necessity for the child to begin to self-sooth and problem solve in order to mature. It also requires the parent to cope with their own feelings of guilt and distress when their child is uncomfortable. All parties involved must deal with their own feelings in order to develop a healthy separation and boundaries. So what should a parent do when facing the discomfort of a child away from home and unhappy? Ask for help, get support and take care of yourself first so that you can appropriately attend to the needs of your family. Find a therapist, a parent support group and an Alanon meeting. All of these are wonderful resources to support the healing process. Ask for referrals to support groups and book suggestions from your child’s program. Some programs like SRA have parent support resources via the internet, email or in person. With assistance you can assess the source of the feelings and make balanced decisions regarding your child and his or her treatment. With time the process of letting go becomes less painful and instead will be empowering to everyone involved.
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