What Functional Families Provide

What Functional Families Provide


Clear rules that are expected to be followed – The emphasis here is on the word clear. Clear means understood and fully communicated. All too often we do not express rules but instead expect that “everyone knows that”. The facts are that everyone doesn’t know. Do rule-setting while sitting down. Communicate directly and answer questions if the kids have them. This is also a great opportunity to talk about the difference between following the rule and following the spirit of the rule.

Rules that are possible to follow – Be realistic. Expect only what is practical and possible to expect. Setting impossible-to-follow rules is setting up the children for failure and failure is not what we want them to practice.

Rules that the adults follow, too – One of the easiest ways to set rules that are possible to follow is to follow them yourself! It is a very painful experience for a parent is to be called a hypocrite and deserve it. Don’t fall into this trap. Following your own rules and standards has a lasting effect. Our children are the masters of ‘doing what we do and ignoring what we say’.

The family supports the child learning to think for him/herself – All of us have been tempted to ask our children, “If everyone else went over a cliff, would you?” However, how many times have we directly or indirectly shamed our children by criticizing or being sarcastic in response to their thought process? We need to encourage independent thinking to avoid the “lemming response” to alcohol, drugs, sex and abusive relationships as well as the rest of the negative temptations in our culture today.

The family may disagree with the child’s thinking but will always value the child – This is a key concept for the development and maintenance of healthy self-esteem. The idea here is that the child is precious and valuable for themselves, not for what they think or do. Remember, the pre-frontal cortex doesn’t really mature until approximately age 25. Why would we expect the child to make perfect sense to us? We need to not act as though those things we have learned in our 30-45 years are truths known by all. This is information that we, as parents, are obliged to pass on to our children. Trust me, they will listen and be open if they know you value them even if you disagree with them.

The family provides a system for problem-solving – When we say a system we mean that there is a universally understood process (See the first paragraph above) by which differences in opinion or conflicts of another nature will be resolved. This, again, should be an organized, whole-family, sit-down process where everyone gets to express opinions and feelings but the parents make the final decision.

The family reinforces the message that having problems to solve is normal – Finally, help normalize the fact that there will always be human conflict, especially between those who are close and love each other. Make conflict an exercise in respect. Model putting yourself out for the relationship(s) around you. There is no better gift you can give your child!


After Pia Mellody