What Functional Families Provide

What Functional Families Provide


Clear rules that are expected to be followed – The emphasis here is on the word clear. Clear means understood and fully communicated. All too often we do not express rules but instead expect that “everyone knows that”. The facts are that everyone doesn’t know. Do rule-setting while sitting down. Communicate directly and answer questions if the kids have them. This is also a great opportunity to talk about the difference between following the rule and following the spirit of the rule.

Rules that are possible to follow – Be realistic. Expect only what is practical and possible to expect. Setting impossible-to-follow rules is setting up the children for failure and failure is not what we want them to practice.

Rules that the adults follow, too – One of the easiest ways to set rules that are possible to follow is to follow them yourself! It is a very painful experience for a parent is to be called a hypocrite and deserve it. Don’t fall into this trap. Following your own rules and standards has a lasting effect. Our children are the masters of ‘doing what we do and ignoring what we say’.

The family supports the child learning to think for him/herself – All of us have been tempted to ask our children, “If everyone else went over a cliff, would you?” However, how many times have we directly or indirectly shamed our children by criticizing or being sarcastic in response to their thought process? We need to encourage independent thinking to avoid the “lemming response” to alcohol, drugs, sex and abusive relationships as well as the rest of the negative temptations in our culture today.

The family may disagree with the child’s thinking but will always value the child – This is a key concept for the development and maintenance of healthy self-esteem. The idea here is that the child is precious and valuable for themselves, not for what they think or do. Remember, the pre-frontal cortex doesn’t really mature until approximately age 25. Why would we expect the child to make perfect sense to us? We need to not act as though those things we have learned in our 30-45 years are truths known by all. This is information that we, as parents, are obliged to pass on to our children. Trust me, they will listen and be open if they know you value them even if you disagree with them.

The family provides a system for problem-solving – When we say a system we mean that there is a universally understood process (See the first paragraph above) by which differences in opinion or conflicts of another nature will be resolved. This, again, should be an organized, whole-family, sit-down process where everyone gets to express opinions and feelings but the parents make the final decision.

The family reinforces the message that having problems to solve is normal – Finally, help normalize the fact that there will always be human conflict, especially between those who are close and love each other. Make conflict an exercise in respect. Model putting yourself out for the relationship(s) around you. There is no better gift you can give your child!


After Pia Mellody

The Lost Art of Parenting

The Lost Art of Parenting BLOG was created as a forum for sharing insights, tools and information regarding the practice of proactive parenting.

The purpose of Proactive and Purposeful Parenting as we have defined at Spring Ridge Academy is: To create a safe, trustworthy and nurturing environment that promotes emotional, physical, mental, social and spiritual growth and connection and supports age appropriate developmental stages, individuation and self regulation.

What is a parent’s role when a child enters residential treatment? Does the parent play a passive role waiting for a healed child to be returned to them? Should the parent play the role of negotiator and director of the therapeutic process? At what point is it best to step in and at what point should one let go and trust the guidance of a therapist and/or program? These are some of the questions parents face as they embark on the treatment process with their child. The truth is parents play a pivotal role in treatment of a daughter or son. One of the most significant factors influencing treatment outcome is active and meaningful parental involvement. Parents have the ability to support changes being made by the child and to direct changes made within the family environment. Conversely, a parent can quickly undermine or delay therapeutic progress by enabling the child’s non-working, immature, manipulative behavior. One of the first steps in letting go is allowing a child to experience discomfort and natural consequences without stepping in to “soften the blow” or reduce the pain. This allows the child to not only understand there are consequences in life, but also to learn to tolerate discomfort, to delay gratification and to initiate solving his or her own problems. It is a necessity for the child to begin to self-sooth and problem solve in order to mature. It also requires the parent to cope with their own feelings of guilt and distress when their child is uncomfortable. All parties involved must deal with their own feelings in order to develop a healthy separation and boundaries. So what should a parent do when facing the discomfort of a child away from home and unhappy? Ask for help, get support and take care of yourself first so that you can appropriately attend to the needs of your family. Find a therapist, a parent support group and an Alanon meeting. All of these are wonderful resources to support the healing process. Ask for referrals to support groups and book suggestions from your child’s program. Some programs like SRA have parent support resources via the internet, email or in person. With assistance you can assess the source of the feelings and make balanced decisions regarding your child and his or her treatment. With time the process of letting go becomes less painful and instead will be empowering to everyone involved.