Strategies for Managing High Conflict Marriage or Divorce

                             

Raising a child in a high conflict marriage or divorce is highly toxic. Studies show parental conflict is the biggest predictor of poor outcome for children. The most powerful determinants are the level and intensity of the conflict between parents, and whether the conflict is resolved. This is true, regardless of the parents being married or divorced. When parental conflict overrides the needs of your child, your child's needs are not being met. This teaches your child that she should not have needs or that her needs are not important. This will inevitably impact your child's esteem, relationships, and overall success. In the event of a divorce or separation, parents must distinguish between the marital relationship, which is ending, and the parental relationship, which endures. 

Below we have highlighted some factors that impact the adjustment of children following a separation or divorce.

1) Degree of exposure to parental conflict.

2) Adjustment of the child.

3) Adjustment of the parent/s.

4) History of grief/loss/transition.

5) Resources available to child and parent/s.

6) Physical/emotional availability of each parent.

Rules to follow to support your child:

DO NOT:

1) Speak negatively of the other parent in front of the child.

2) Ask the child to take messages to the other parent.

3) Share any of the legal/personal aspects of the divorce with your child.

4) Use visitation with the other parent to reinforce or punish child’s behavior.

5) Withhold important information from the other parent.

6) Use visitation as leverage/bargaining chip with the other parent.

7) Negatively compare the child/child’s traits or behavior to the other parent.

8) Use gifts or money to win child’s favor/affection.

9) Ask child to lie, directly or by omission, to the other parent.

10) Use what the child tells you to manipulate/coerce/threaten the other parent.

DO:

1) Allow the child to have a healthy, loving relationship with the other parent.

2) Send other parent pertinent information from schools, doctors, etc.

3) Remain respectful of the other parent.

4) Develop a parenting plan based on the best interests of and needs of the child.

5) Attend all school/extracurricular functions and activities and plan out how you can do this and remain neutral.

6) Have regular and consistent visitation and be on time to pickup and return the child.

7) Take care of yourself.

8) Treat the other parent the way you would like to be treated in return regardless of the other parent’s choices, and NEVER LOSE SIGHT THAT YOU ARE DOING IT FOR YOUR CHILD.

A Graduates Speech - July 2014

The Importance of Being Real

It is not until one is real that one is free—free of the crippling pressure of shame, free of the paralyzing grasp of fear—and as awful as these are, the only way is through.

By the time I was 16, I had no idea who I was. I spent hours every night planning the next day. I thought through everything I said before I said it. Hours wasted holding back what I really wanted to say because just being me wasn’t good enough. By the time I was 16, I was lost—lost in an overwhelming world, stuck behind a façade I had grown so sick of.

Now on July 18^th, 2014, I can finally say that I’ve shed my mask. I speak from my heart, not from my fear. I fall asleep proud; proud of all I accomplished that day; proud of who I’ve become. I found that not only have I found the real me, but I have found someone who is greater than I ever could’ve pretended to be.

I took off my mask, and my skin breathed in the fresh air, soaked up the sun. I’m glowing with the essence of me, a courageous and successful young woman who lives life to its fullest.

Embracing the real me has been one of the most difficult things I’ve ever had to do. I’ve had to surrender the urges to please those around me. I’ve had to surrender the urges to plan my life before it has a chance to happen. I let go of the shame and fear that suffocated me for so long, and I took a deep breath of sweet reality. A reality that’s better than I ever could have forced it to be. A reality in which I can thrive.

This is my time, and I am taking full advantage of it. I’m on the right path, the path that my fate has set out for me. Now that I am the real me, I’m ready to take on the world with valor, and I know that the real me is capable of doing whatever she puts her mind to. 

BLOG-A-THON ON THE 4 EGO STATES AND FIVE CORE ISSUES:

Blog 1:

What does it take to grow up?  As children we all thought about what we wanted to "be" (aka "do") when we grew up, but did any of us have an idea about how this growing up was to happen?  Most of us had no clue.  

Enter Spring Ridge Academy and the work of a woman by the name of Pia Mellody.  Thanks to Pia we now have a two part blueprint and steps we can take to grow up, regardless of our age. 

The first part of this blueprint is the four ego states.  These are founded on the developmental stages theorized by Erik Erickson and are based on the capability of children at the various ages/stages in their development.  Pia took this one step further and developed a way to look backwards at our own path towards maturation.  When we look back through her lens, we see what happened to us, how it impacted us, and where we have developed 'potholes' that have kept us from really and truly growing up. Pia calls these potholes ego states, and she has defined four of them. 

The first is the wounded child, which develops before the age of 6.  This part of us is all about emotions and magical thinking.  We cannot define what we feel, but we express it through laughter, tears, tantrums, and physical means.  We take on the emotional state of those around us and cannot differentiate our feelings from theirs. We interpret events through child-like eyes and child-like mind, and that interpretation may not be accurate.  A perfect example of this is my daughter's memory of falling in a boat slip when she was 2.  Her grandfather saw her go in and pulled her out, but to this day, her memory is that he pushed her in.  She now knows that that child reality is not accurate, but that child memory remains intact.  We are so interesting—aren't we?

The second ego state develops between ages 6 and 9 or10.  It is the first adapted adult/wounded child ego state.  As we begin to have more cognitive ability, we seek ways we can change in order to make the adults entrusted with our care feel or act better.  So, we may have shifted from being the center of the universe, but our task is daunting - figuring out how to be different so others will change.

The third ego state develops from between ages 11 and 17.  It is the final adapted adult/wounded child ego state, and the one that I most fondly refer to as my "13 year old bitch".  At this point, we have tried to change ourselves to make others act and feel better, but they just have not cooperated.  They aren't better, we aren't better, and we have had enough.  This is when we go out into behaviors simply to make us feel better: sex, drugs, and rock ‘n’ roll is a common theme, but it can also be expressed through isolation, cutting, or depression.

So far this is sounding pretty bleak...Thank goodness there is another option!

That option is to grow up by developing and practicing acting from what Pia calls a functional ego state.  This is an age-appropriate ego state that continues to mature, grow, learn, and live life in a way that is accountable, empowered, and responsible.  This is that sweet spot where life gets, well not easy, but more simple.  We may have the younger parts of ourselves surface from time to time, but we recognize their voices, and we no longer get swept away by their emotional tides and left adrift in a sea of negative feelings and bad choices.  A functional ego state is all about choice.

And choice is all about the five core issues.

The Strategies of Co-Parenting

                                                  Why Co-Parenting Matters

                                                    (from a professional perspective)

Effective co-parenting is the art of not only sharing equal responsibility in the raising of your child but also maintaining consistency and structure in the approach of parenting. Co-parenting includes any two or more individuals who are responsible for raising a child. This includes married, cohabitating, separated or divorced couples; grandparents; family members; or any other adults raising a child.

Communication is essential. It is essential for co-parents to develop routines and rules that remain consistent, whether or not you live in the same home with your co-parent. Keep in mind, though, that this does not mean that each of you must parent exactly the same way. On the contrary, it's important for you to develop your own parenting style while also working toward an appropriate level of consistency for your children.

We recommend that you develop a parenting plan and review it regularly. This plan may include how to handle specific challenges with your child, rewards and consequences, financial requests, academic expectations, curfew, technology use, and household rules. Maintaining consistency within the dynamic of your co-parenting will reinforce to your daughter that parents are a united front and result in more harmony within the family. When a child receives the message that her parents are united, consistent, structured, and working in her best interest, she is less likely to defy one and adhere to the other, manipulate, or split. She feels a sense of security and reduced anxiety. She trusts her parents and learns that she can rely on them. She gains a sense of responsibility because she knows what is expected of her. She is less likely to push boundaries.

                                                       Why Co-Parenting Matters

                                                    (from a student's perspective)

As an adolescent living under the care of parents who are divorced or together, it is important to be consistent in co-parenting, working together, and staying on the same page.

In the case of divorced parents or separated parents, having the same set of rules and structure in both homes is important in setting your daughter up for success. In a household where the parents are together it is equally as important to have consistency with parents setting the same parameters, structures, and rules. Inconsistency in rules, structure, and expectations in the household or households can leave room for chaos and confusion. Consistency leaves no room for "parent shopping" or in other words going from one parent to the other to get the answer the daughter wants. Not being able to parent shop in my family system has kept me consistent in following the rules and expectations and has allowed me to respect rules and learn their importance.

Another key point in co-parenting is keeping a clear line between parent and friend. An important part in making this line clear is not sharing personal struggles with your daughter. A few examples of personal matters that should be kept personal are troubles with your spouse, stress around money, and problems at work. This has been key for my family because I have not had to worry about my parents’ struggles. This helps me remember that my parents are parents and an authority figure. This helps me to be more willing to respect their rules and guidelines. When being not holding good boundaries about what is and is not okay to share with your daughter, the parent and friend line is blurred, and it is harder to see a parent as an authority figure.

Co-parenting makes re-entering home life much easier and attainable. It has set me up to do well on my visits and helped me respect the guidelines I am expected to follow. Although co-parenting has helped me and is important at times it isn't always my favorite thing. Sometimes when I do not want to follow the rules or guidelines I want to "parent shop," but I don't have the option. It isn't always fun, but it is effective and I appreciate it in the long run. 

More contributions from our students and staff on this topic will be added shortly. 

A Graduate's Speech - June 2014

I’d like to start off today’s celebration by posing a question: What is education? Is it having a 4.0 GPA in high school? Is it getting a college degree from and Ivy League school? Or is it becoming a brain surgeon? In today’s world, most people would agree that these notions are considered to be a top education. However, I believe that education is so much more than this.

Yes, going to school is very important, but being educated doesn’t necessarily mean being book smart. It also includes learning outside of the classroom on a regular basis. In my opinion, education is the ability to meet life’s situations. It is making a variety of choices, learning from your mistakes, and then making a better decision in the future. Education is the ability to listen to almost anything without losing your temper or self-confidence.

A wise man once said, “Education is not preparation for life; education is life itself.” This is what Spring Ridge Academy strives to teach us every day. Not only were we given a quality education academically with passionate and driven teachers, we were also given an opportunity to look at ourselves on a deeper level and to learn from what is not working in our lives.

So, it is with passion, courage, and a strong sense of self that we take our next steps into the world. There will be times in our lives when we must go through difficult times and make many sacrifices. But the beautiful thing about learning is that no one can take it away from you. It stays with you for the rest of your life. Nelson Mandela once said, “Education is the most powerful weapon which you can use to change the world.” So, if I may give you all some words of wisdom from the graduating class of 2014, “Develop a passion for learning. If you do, you will never cease to grow.”-- Anthony J. D'Angelo

The Principle's Address at Graduation - June 2014

Graduates, this ceremony is held to recognize what you have both accomplished academically and therapeutically. We, the SRA Community have witnessed the changes you have made in your life and applaud your positive attitudes. We encourage you to keep strengthening your positive attitude for you will find that by so doing you will meet and succeed the challenges that come with living in today’s society. Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, “what lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.” This idea is embraced by successful people who expect to face challenges, for they know that overcoming challenges is a normal, everyday part of life.

To strengthen your positive attitudes, which has already brought change to your lives, I encourage you to study and examine the lives of successful people, and by doing so, you will find that success didn’t just happen to them, but rather they were successful because they were persistent and because they possessed traits that are sorely needed to meet the challenges of life.

The first of these traits is commitment to excellence – when you are interested in doing something, you do it when circumstances permit. However, when you are committed to something, you accept no excuses, only results. Commitment is a prerequisite to success. Commitment is the state of being bound – both emotionally, intellectually – to a course of action. Commitment starts with a choice and is sustained by dedication and perseverance. Everyone wants to succeed and those who actually achieve it are those who are willing to put the blood, sweat and tears into their effort.

The second trait is attention to detail The difference between failure and success is doing a thing nearly right and doing it exactly right. Having a fervor for attention to detail is a mindset. It must be an obsession, you can’t just talk about it. You have to practice it every day for years. It is not enough just to do the best you can. You also have to do everything you can.

A third trait is sound fundamentals. As you move on to college you must continue your passion for knowledge. Enhance your insight by continuing your own research and listen to people of wisdom. Continue to read, for books are the mechanism by which we obtain knowledge, and knowledge will increase your personal value. Once you have the knowledge you must practice the sound fundamentals for practice leads to completing the task you face flawlessly.

The fourth trait you will discover is discipline. Most people aim to do right but often they fail, for whatever reason, they just don’t have the wherewithal to finish the job. They are lacking discipline. It doesn’t matter whether you are perusing success in business, sports, the arts or life in general. Hope is not an option. The difference between working and accomplishing is discipline. Discipline is about setting goals, figuring out a schedule to achieve those goals and then following your plan.

The formula is the same for everyone. Have a no-nonsense attitude, study hard, work hard and improve every day. Arrive early and stay late if that is what it takes to get the job done. Go the extra mile. It is one stretch of the highway of life where there are seldom any traffic jams!

So remember to develop the traits of commitment to excellence, give attention to details, practice sound fundamentals and be a disciplined person and if you do I believe that you will be able to meet the challenges of life and you will have personal satisfaction.

Finally, take time today to thank the people who gave you this special opportunity to change your life – mainly your parents who deeply love you and to the therapists, faculty, CLDs, community coaches and entire SRA family for the guidance and direction you have received to bring you to this celebration of your accomplishments and on behalf of the SRA community I extend wishes for you that are embodied in the ancient Native American Blessing which states:

May you be as strong as the Oak

Yet flexible as the Birch.

May you stand tall as the Redwood,

Live gracefully as the Willow,

And may you bear fruit

All your days on this earth.

An Invocation speech

Life is one’s individual journey. Even with all the madness, the difficult times, and low blows you have endured, you can choose to rise above. You can learn and grow into a woman that is passionate about making a difference and a woman that will absolutely blow others away.

The years ahead are crucial, but it can also be some of the best. It is a time to reflect, to explore, to embrace yourself and to begin new adventures. This time will be difficult, but you will truly find yourself and your own path. You can choose to stay the course of that path and push through all the good and the bad, or you can choose to let it run you down. Disappointment will come when your effort does not give you the expected return, if things don’t go as planned, or if you face failure. Failure is extremely difficult to handle, but those who do come out stronger. “What did this failure teach me?” is the question you will need to ask yourself. You will feel defeat, you will want to quit, but it’s a part of life. If challenges could always be overcome, they would cease to be challenges. Give this time a chance. Work hard and persevere. You'll be thankful for the challenge and what it will make of you.

            This time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. Most importantly, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition and to write your own life song.

My wish for you today is that you live a life that matters. One that matters not for your success but for your significance. One that matters not for your competence but for your character. And a life that matters because living it wasn't by accident; it was by choice.

The America Academy of Pediatrics - Policy Statement

Children, Adolescents and the Media, 2013

http://pediatrics.aappublications.org/content/early/2013/10/24/peds.2013-2656.full.pdf

An SRA graduate's speech

There’s something to be said about a place in which one can make as many mistakes as possible and always expect a second chance. That this place, though thousands of miles away, can feel as much like a home as home did. Many people will never know a place like this. Somewhere they can let loose and just be—one hundred percent of the time. I’m lucky enough to have stumbled into such a place.

Today, I walk back out.

I’ve come to accept a fact of life that really sucks until you put it into perspective. That is, I will never be cured of the human condition. Yeah, I get irritable. I cry a lot. I’ve tried striving for perfection and landed flat on my face. Only when I released my fears of making mistakes and embraced my utter humanness did things start working in my life.

I would never have gotten here were I still at home. I would never have learned that I was wrong about everything I thought I knew. And I didn’t want to change. But looking back, I often wonder how anyone could choose a life of drugs and self-destruction over even a single moment like this. We all have though, in our own way. Each one of us has seen the side of life we wished would just disappear. I tried to ignore it, and it got me here.

Here.

Today, I leave SRA, not a new person, but as myself again. I leave the resilient, precious human being I entered this world as. But because I know now that I am not my past, I leave today stronger, wiser, and more “me” than I’ve ever been.

Today is not the end. I have reached the day on which I choose whether to implement my new skills and continue on this path of excellence or throw it all away.

To me there is no choice.

Without the help of Spring Ridge and the undying support and courage of my family, I would not be standing here today. I’m taking all of this, all of you, home with me. Because I was given a second chance.

I’m doing it right this time.

Graduates Lessons Learned

12 Lessons I’ve Learned While at SRA

One: It’s okay to be afraid at first. Still say thank you to your parents for caring enough about you to get you help, and have the courage to look people in the eye.

Two: You will make more mistakes in a relatively short time period than you ever thought possible. This is a good thing. Make sure to pick yourself up off the ground.

Three: Find people who care about you enough to be honest.

Four: Remember that if you are skating on thin ice, you might as well dance. And when you have the opportunity to dance, surrender to yourself. Now it is finally the time to live for you.

Five: You always have a choice.

Six: Choosing to live was the best decision I ever made.

Seven: I know who I am, I love myself, and I know I will make it.

Eight: When you are really ready, don’t be surprised if leaving is ten times harder than coming ever was. Always remember that One: It’s okay to be afraid at first, and Seven: I know who I am, I love myself, and I know I will make it.

Nine: There is something special about the girls here. We are not merely survivors. We are livers. We are the earth-shakers. We the hope for a better future. Most importantly, if there’s only one thing we all learned, it is that we are unstoppable.

Ten: I have a home here. It was in this place I began to find out who I really am: An authentic, trusting young woman who deserves love. I have so many people to thank for that.

Eleven: Two years ago, I could’ve stood up here with these three people and would’ve felt  completely alone. Now, I am proud to call these people my family. Which brings me back to Seven: I know who I am, I love myself, and I know I will make it. This is it. This is where the rubber hits the road. This is just the beginning. I know that  Two: I will make more mistakes in a relatively short time period than I ever thought possible, but I must remember Five: I always have a choice. Six: Choosing to live was the best decision I ever made, and Seven: I know who I am, I love myself, and I know I will make it.

Twelve: Life is going to slap me in the face. But Ten: I always have a home here. Eight: Leaving is ten times harder than coming ever was. Six: Choosing to live was the best decision I ever made. Three: I will find people who care about me enough to be honest. Two: I will make more mistakes than I ever thought possible. Nine: It’s okay to be afraid at first. And at the end of the day I will always have Seven: I know who I am, I love myself, and I know I will make it. Seven: I know who I am, I love myself, and I know I will make it. It’s not going to be easy, but I know I will always have Seven.

May 2014 - Graduation Speech delivered by Principal Joseph Gubbins

Good morning and welcome.

I extend on behalf of our community a warm welcome to all and especially to the parents, relatives and friends of the students graduating and transitioning from SRA today.

I also want to acknowledge and recognize the parents of current and former students who are in attendance.  I also want to welcome graduates and former students in the audience.

Graduates, I fervently hope that during your stay at SRA you have strongly started to build on the two foundations that will be your guiding principles for building a successful life.  First, I hope you availed yourself of each precious moment you spent under the guidance of your talented therapist to come to a basic understanding and knowledge of your many talents, strengths and have begun to develop strategies to lessen your weaknesses.  If so, then you have begun the journey of coming to love who you are and to know and understand your true self.  It is a journey that you must continue through your entire life for if you don’t know and love yourself you will never really experience true love of others.

       Second, I hope that you listened to the wisdom of the faculty because if you did than you have begun to truly understand the importance of an education and a quest for knowledge.  You should understand that the true signs of knowledge are not grades and GPAs but rather what you have stored in your brain that will let you take that knowledge and use it to solve new situations and that allows you to broaden your perspective of different topics and viewpoints.

       The world you will face is much different from my generation or your parents’ generation faced.  Yours is a world without borders for it is a global world.  You will compete in your careers with people from every continent in this universe.  People from countries where education is highly valued and mastery of knowledge demanded.  You have heard the theme 10,000 hours of practice many times at SRA, and you will find in life it might even take more in this daily changing world of technology and information.

       Until now your education has been meticulously planned for you usually in discrete packets – English 1, US History, etc.  You knew what was going to be taught and how you were to be assessed.  In real life, however, there are no longer daily objectives written on a board to guide you.  Learning becomes more difficult to quantify and most real life tests are unannounced, especially tests involving your character, ethics and feelings for others.

       Your education in college will change forms.  You may learn important lessons in the wee hours of the morning in a spirited discussion in your dorm or at a coffee break between classes in the student union rather than in an English seminar class.  Lessons can come from opinions sometime from people you aren't particularly interested in listening to, make sure you listen carefully to these unscripted and unsolicited opinion for they will help you to develop and refine your belief system. 

       Use the two foundations to build your life story – to build a life where each of you make a difference in this world, to make the change that you want to see, to make a difference in not only yourself but in the lives of others and to learn from others.

       I cannot predict or tell you how your life story will unfold.  I can, however, share some things that I have learned in my life journey that may help you.

11. Believe in yourself – Don’t let your fears overwhelm your desires.  Let the barriers you face—and believe me there will be barriers—be external, not internal.  Fortune does favor the bold, and I promise that you will never know what you’re capable of unless you try.  Don’t be afraid to change or unwilling to change your journey through life.  Your journey is just beginning to unfold, enjoy the journey wherever it takes you.

22. Find your passion in life – If you have not found your passion in life yet, you will find it eventually – so don’t give up on finding it and following it.  Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what to do with your life.  Keep seeking it!  You will not find it in things or money.  The important things are those that fill you from inside; that fill your heart.  All successful people aren't happy, and all happy people are not successful.  If you have to choose, choose happiness.  Pursue your passion but don’t confuse feelings with facts, fun with happiness or pleasure with fulfillment.

33. Take control of your life – As your life unfolds, the first thing you should do is throw away that map someone gave you to find success and begin to draw your own map.  Your time is limited so don’t waste it living someone else’s dream.  Take control of your life by taking control of your attitudes.  Pain and disappointment are inevitable, but suffering is optional and tough times are always temporary.  Live life honestly; listen to both your head and your heart.

44. Act—Create opportunities—Life will happen to you, whether you try to guide it or not, so you might as well try to influence the outcome.  You need to know what you want and you have to be willing to go after it.  Take action!  Every story you ever connected with, every leader you’ve admired, every puny little thing that you ever accomplished is a result of taking action.  You have a choice.  Don’t sacrifice a thousand tomorrows for a few todays, and don’t settle for a little life.  Live with purpose and for significance.  Respect yourself and others, avoid self-righteousness and be kind rather than right.

55. Follow your heart – The key is to listen to your heart and let it carry you in the direction of your dreams.  I've learned that it is possible to set your sights high and achieve your dreams and do it with integrity, character and love.  Each day that you’re moving toward your dreams without compromising who you are, you’re winning.

66. Live life today. Don’t wait until tomorrow – It doesn't matter that your dreams come true if you spent your whole life sleeping.  So get out there and go for it!  Don’t be caught waiting.  It’s great to plan for your future but nothing ever happens in the future.  Life happens daily.

Give back and be generous – Life is not about warming yourself by the fire, life is about building the fire and generosity is the match.  If you want happiness for an hour take a nap, but if you want happiness for a lifetime, help someone less fortunate than you.  As each day in your life move forward do something to make yourself a better person and do something for someone else, someone less fortunate than you.  Make a difference.  So with all this in mind, take the time to dream big as dreams help you to do great things, large and small.  Continue to learn – be curious, be open to others whose interests differ from yours, read, and learn something new each day.  Take responsibility for your successes as well as your failures.  Be resilient, learn from your mistakes and celebrate your accomplishments.  As you sit here together as a class for the last time, I encourage you to focus on what you have learned and accomplished at SRA and to use this knowledge and experience to your advantage as it will continue to help you to live your life fully.

       Finally, as a side note – remember when you thought your parents didn't know a lot?  Watch how incredibly smart they become over the next decade.  For the most part this intellectual leap will not be from attending academic classes – it turns out that parents are pretty skilled at picking up on real life lessons.  Continue to talk and listen to your parents.  They have learned from their mistakes and will save you much stress and anxiety.  They also will not charge you for their expertise and most of the time you may even get a free meal out of the deal. 

       Today more than any other day, remember to thank them for the sacrifices they made to give you this opportunity where you have changed your life’s course and at the same time remember to be thankful to every member of the SRA community who have been a part of your transformation.  I hope for each of you on behalf of the SRA family that your dreams take you to the corners of your smiles, to the highest of your hopes, to the window of your opportunities and to the most special places your heart has ever known, and I leave you with the Irish blessing which expresses the Spring Ridge Academy family love of you:

      

May the road rise to meet you

May the wind be always at your back

May the sun shine warm upon your face

May the rains fall soft upon your fields

And until we meet again

May God hold you in the palm of his hand.