The buzz on the SRA campus and among parents recently seems simply to be about parenting. We spend considerable time talking about and assessing parenting styles. This is helpful in determining what has and has not worked for the parents. However, over the past year SRA parents have been asking for more. More details, more hints, more language and more practice working with their daughters. Our parents are looking for specifics. They need more than encouraging advice to “let go and trust the process”. They want to do the best job they can to set structure in their homes and to be effective, loving and confident parents.
In response we have implemented many new features to our program including workshops, orientation for parents, in the moment coaching on visits and a Parent Liaison to work with parents through their questions and concerns. However, the parent of an SRA student recently raised the bar. In an effort to improve her ability to parent her daughter with a “neutral voice” she spent a week on campus. She spent this week studying our staff, how they interacted with students, responded to questions, dealt with conflicts and moved through normal everyday issues and incidents.
Her conclusion, a concise list of the 4 C’s of parenting. She describes them as follows:
Here it is: the 4 'C's'
Be Clear, [give specific requests or directions]
Be Concise,[don't over-explain or be drawn into discussion]
Be Calm, [don't raise a voice level]
Be Consistent [follow up right away and give natural and logical
consequence, positive or negative]
Another parent added the C of Commitment, because as anyone who has participated on this process knows it takes an unwavering dedication to create change (another C). The language is not always natural or intuitive, but the results are tremendous. A healthy, well boundaried parent contributes to a healthy well-boundaried relationship and ultimately a healthy, well-boundaried daughter. While the parenting manual handed out at birth did not explain this, apparently that is how we get those happy and healthy kids.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Home For The Holidays
In an ideal world the holiday season is a time to reflect, relax and celebrate with family and friends. Unfortunately, most of us don’t live in this world exclusively. For the rest of us the holiday season may also include airports, malls, family conflicts, stress and excess. Managing the holidays can be a challenge. Add in a family member in treatment, and the holidays take on an extra element of stress and logistical madness. The first step in preparing for a successful and enjoyable holiday visit is setting reasonable expectations. Whether visiting with your daughter on campus, in the area or at home this holiday will likely be different from previous ones in many regards.
Tips for a successful visit:
· Parents set tone and structure. Talk to your daughter and other family members about expectations and structure. Describe what your goal and purpose is for the visit and what that would look like in terms of structure, behavior and attitude. Listen to your daughter and other family member’s input, but do not defer to your daughter to set the structure and rules or to facilitate discussions “because she knows how to do this from being at SRA”. She is still your daughter and you are still the parent.
· Stick with the routine and structure. Visits are the most important times to practice structure in the home and holidays are no exception. Continue to reinforce healthy choices by scheduling consistent wake-up and bedtimes and maintaining daily exercise and physical activity. Visits are not the time to reward your daughter or give her a vacation from structure. She has been successful because of the structure not in spite of it.
· Beware of the sugar and caffeine beasts! Holidays often bring with them colorful and tasty treats. Overindulgence however, can result in a nasty crash in mood and behavior. Students have been maintaining healthy diets with moderate opportunity for sweets. A drastic change in diet and environment can spell disaster. Keep in mind the concept of eating to nourish. This will assist in preventing food from becoming a reward, an appeasement for guilt or as a replacement of other mood altering substances.
· Dealing with Substance abuse issues. Holidays can include parties. Be mindful of family members in recovery when making holiday plans. Often extended family members can be very eager to see their niece, granddaughter etc. Do not let other’s enthusiasm (or pressure) override your daughter’s safety and sobriety. Talk with your daughter about possible encounters and triggers. Prioritize your events and gatherings in alignment with agreed upon structure and purpose for the visit. You do not need to keep your daughter locked in the house but you do need to make choices that support your family structure and purpose.
· Stay on purpose. Gift giving can be a wonderful part of the holidays or… an easy way to slip back into guilt and entitlement. If buying gifts discuss a budget and stick with it. Encourage creative and meaningful gifts that don’t necessarily cost a lot of money.
Tips for a successful visit:
· Parents set tone and structure. Talk to your daughter and other family members about expectations and structure. Describe what your goal and purpose is for the visit and what that would look like in terms of structure, behavior and attitude. Listen to your daughter and other family member’s input, but do not defer to your daughter to set the structure and rules or to facilitate discussions “because she knows how to do this from being at SRA”. She is still your daughter and you are still the parent.
· Stick with the routine and structure. Visits are the most important times to practice structure in the home and holidays are no exception. Continue to reinforce healthy choices by scheduling consistent wake-up and bedtimes and maintaining daily exercise and physical activity. Visits are not the time to reward your daughter or give her a vacation from structure. She has been successful because of the structure not in spite of it.
· Beware of the sugar and caffeine beasts! Holidays often bring with them colorful and tasty treats. Overindulgence however, can result in a nasty crash in mood and behavior. Students have been maintaining healthy diets with moderate opportunity for sweets. A drastic change in diet and environment can spell disaster. Keep in mind the concept of eating to nourish. This will assist in preventing food from becoming a reward, an appeasement for guilt or as a replacement of other mood altering substances.
· Dealing with Substance abuse issues. Holidays can include parties. Be mindful of family members in recovery when making holiday plans. Often extended family members can be very eager to see their niece, granddaughter etc. Do not let other’s enthusiasm (or pressure) override your daughter’s safety and sobriety. Talk with your daughter about possible encounters and triggers. Prioritize your events and gatherings in alignment with agreed upon structure and purpose for the visit. You do not need to keep your daughter locked in the house but you do need to make choices that support your family structure and purpose.
· Stay on purpose. Gift giving can be a wonderful part of the holidays or… an easy way to slip back into guilt and entitlement. If buying gifts discuss a budget and stick with it. Encourage creative and meaningful gifts that don’t necessarily cost a lot of money.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Giving Thanks
As we enter the holiday season it seems fitting to discuss gratitude. What will you give thanks for this year? What has been most meaningful or most gratifying? A common theme at Spring Ridge Academy is the idea that what we are often most grateful for is the growth that has arisen out of a difficult or painful situation. SRA parents seem to experience this frequently. The idea that what was a terrifying experience and gut wrenching decision to send their daughter away, resulted in a profound and life-changing opportunity. The process of being a part of SRA allows many parents to detach from their daughter’s emotions, experiences and success and to engage in their own personal development, offering a new way to experience themselves and life.
One of the questions we are asked most frequently at Spring Ridge is what is your success rate? We answer that question in mostly anecdotal terms. The reality is if you ask the parents of students who have completed SRA they will tell you it has been a huge success, 95% plus. However, what is impossible to explain at the beginning of this process is how the definition of success will change as a family moves through the program. By the time a student is completing (or not completing) most parents no longer solely define success in terms of their daughter’s grades, goals and attitude, but also by the parents’ ability to separate themselves from their daughter’s experience, see her choices as just that, her choices, and not as a reflection of them. Parents acknowledge their own success and progress in setting structure, maintaining boundaries and establishing an identity not based exclusively on being a parent or spouse. What begins as a crisis seems to often transform into a gift.
As always, we at SRA are grateful for the trust that is placed in us, the connection we are able to make with caring and committed parents and families and the opportunity we have share in the process of healing, learning and growth. Happy Thanksgiving to all of you, and thank you.
We would like to open this discussion to your thoughts on gratitude. What do you find yourself giving thanks for? Is gratitude a value and practice in your family? If so, how is it practiced? If not how would you like to practice it in your family?
Please feel free to comment and share your experience and wisdom.
One of the questions we are asked most frequently at Spring Ridge is what is your success rate? We answer that question in mostly anecdotal terms. The reality is if you ask the parents of students who have completed SRA they will tell you it has been a huge success, 95% plus. However, what is impossible to explain at the beginning of this process is how the definition of success will change as a family moves through the program. By the time a student is completing (or not completing) most parents no longer solely define success in terms of their daughter’s grades, goals and attitude, but also by the parents’ ability to separate themselves from their daughter’s experience, see her choices as just that, her choices, and not as a reflection of them. Parents acknowledge their own success and progress in setting structure, maintaining boundaries and establishing an identity not based exclusively on being a parent or spouse. What begins as a crisis seems to often transform into a gift.
As always, we at SRA are grateful for the trust that is placed in us, the connection we are able to make with caring and committed parents and families and the opportunity we have share in the process of healing, learning and growth. Happy Thanksgiving to all of you, and thank you.
We would like to open this discussion to your thoughts on gratitude. What do you find yourself giving thanks for? Is gratitude a value and practice in your family? If so, how is it practiced? If not how would you like to practice it in your family?
Please feel free to comment and share your experience and wisdom.
Friday, September 25, 2009
Self-Care: Go Ahead I Dare you!
Many of us growing up were taught to put others first, be a team player and that nothing worthwhile comes easily. This may explain why as adults it can be so difficult to put aside, even temporarily, responsibilities at work and to family in order to take care of ourselves. Many of us are driven to keep up a maddening pace of meetings, errands, events and appointments, trying to keep all the balls in the air. It is no wonder depression, anxiety and obesity have hit epidemic proportions. We are simply not taking care of ourselves. Self-care is the basic ingredient towards a healthy and happy life. It includes everything from diet and fitness to open communication and healthy boundaries. At Spring Ridge Academy we promote the concept of self-care and accountability. If you want your family, relationships and life to work look in the mirror and practice taking care of yourself first. The only one whose happiness you can ensure is your own.
The links below explore various aspects of health and self-care. Use today’s blog as a reminder (or even permission) to do something today that is a healthy choice for you. The only person you owe it to is yourself!
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/18/science/18angier.html
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=111887591
The links below explore various aspects of health and self-care. Use today’s blog as a reminder (or even permission) to do something today that is a healthy choice for you. The only person you owe it to is yourself!
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/18/science/18angier.html
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=111887591
Friday, August 14, 2009
Mobile Technology: How connected are we?
We live in an age when we can be more “connected” than ever. Through email, text messages, instant messaging, social networks, online gaming, blogging and mobile technology we have the ability to work from anywhere, stay in contact with anyone and find information on anything. So why is it more and more people are feeling over-whelmed by the pace, expectations and needs of business, family and social life? Is it because as opposed to being more efficient with our time we are simply spreading ourselves even thinner by attempting to work from everywhere, stay in contact with everyone and stay informed on everything?
Online, wireless and mobile technologies have become part of our everyday lives. Our businesses depend on communication technology, family logistics are managed by it and relationships with friends and extended family survive on it. There are wonderful benefits to all of this. However, it can become a 24/7 job just keeping up with what is supposed to simplify our lives, reduce our work load and bring us all closer together. For many of us we are not keeping up. We are losing ground when it comes to creating meaningful and authentic connections with those we love. Part of what is being lost is the quality in our communication, the inflection, facial expressions and the subtle nuances that cannot be expressed through text, email or tweeting. We are getting bits and pieces but rarely the whole package, a meaningful, uninterrupted conversation or experience.
Teenagers are paying the price at alarming high rates. They lack the maturity, judgment, and perspective to manage the constant barrage of information and social demands placed on them. Their need for acceptance is too great to allow them to unplug and relax. As a result they are experiencing sleep loss, poor attention in the classroom and many describe feeling anxiety and pressure to stay in the loop with peers. It also may be disrupting the development of age appropriate problem solving skills, boundaries, social skills and self confidence. In a recent survey on the Spring Ridge Academy campus students admitted to being too embarrassed to use a phone to call their parents for help in an awkward or dangerous situation, they only felt comfortable texting. They discussed times when they texted someone sitting in the same car rather than speaking to them directly or sitting with a friend while each texted other people. Students also disclosed safety concerns including sending and receiving inappropriate or threatening messages communicating with someone they did not know and texting while driving.
The Lost Art of Parenting blog will explore this issue in a series of posts and offer real solutions for realistically using technology, mobile communication and social networking to actually improve our lives and relationships. Parents will gain perspective on teen and preteen concerns surrounding this issue and how to set structure in order to assist their children to have appropriate boundaries. SRA will be a leader in modeling this structure. This blog will serve as a tool to create effective change, authentic connection and assist families in making the best and most meaningful use of their time.
The first step in managing communication technology and social networking in our families is practicing it ourselves, if we do not practice appropriate use of this technology neither will our kids. Here are ten steps you can take to begin modeling healthy choices.
1. Turn off cell phones and mobile devices during meals.
2. Set shutdown times for phones and computers in the evening to begin winding down before going to bed.
3. Do not text while driving!
4. Keep personal conversations private.
5. Don’t be an extreme multi-tasker. Don’t talk in line at the bank or grocery store, don’t text while talking on the phone.
6. Put your phone or mobile device on vibrate or silent when in settings such as, libraries, schools, performances, meetings, movie theaters, places of worship etc.
7. Follow the rules; turn off your phone, mobile device and/or laptop in hospitals or on airplanes when asked to do so.
8. If expecting an urgent call let the people you are with know in advance and excuse yourself when the call comes in.
9. Don’t fall into the email and text trap. Remember a personal conversation can be the best, most effective and efficient way to communicate.
10. Take advantage of car time with your family. Avoid cell phone conversations when you have the opportunity to talk to the person sitting next to you. Important conversations can happen on the way home from work or school. It is also a time to be aware of how your child or family member is feeling, pick up on the nonverbal cues.
Online, wireless and mobile technologies have become part of our everyday lives. Our businesses depend on communication technology, family logistics are managed by it and relationships with friends and extended family survive on it. There are wonderful benefits to all of this. However, it can become a 24/7 job just keeping up with what is supposed to simplify our lives, reduce our work load and bring us all closer together. For many of us we are not keeping up. We are losing ground when it comes to creating meaningful and authentic connections with those we love. Part of what is being lost is the quality in our communication, the inflection, facial expressions and the subtle nuances that cannot be expressed through text, email or tweeting. We are getting bits and pieces but rarely the whole package, a meaningful, uninterrupted conversation or experience.
Teenagers are paying the price at alarming high rates. They lack the maturity, judgment, and perspective to manage the constant barrage of information and social demands placed on them. Their need for acceptance is too great to allow them to unplug and relax. As a result they are experiencing sleep loss, poor attention in the classroom and many describe feeling anxiety and pressure to stay in the loop with peers. It also may be disrupting the development of age appropriate problem solving skills, boundaries, social skills and self confidence. In a recent survey on the Spring Ridge Academy campus students admitted to being too embarrassed to use a phone to call their parents for help in an awkward or dangerous situation, they only felt comfortable texting. They discussed times when they texted someone sitting in the same car rather than speaking to them directly or sitting with a friend while each texted other people. Students also disclosed safety concerns including sending and receiving inappropriate or threatening messages communicating with someone they did not know and texting while driving.
The Lost Art of Parenting blog will explore this issue in a series of posts and offer real solutions for realistically using technology, mobile communication and social networking to actually improve our lives and relationships. Parents will gain perspective on teen and preteen concerns surrounding this issue and how to set structure in order to assist their children to have appropriate boundaries. SRA will be a leader in modeling this structure. This blog will serve as a tool to create effective change, authentic connection and assist families in making the best and most meaningful use of their time.
The first step in managing communication technology and social networking in our families is practicing it ourselves, if we do not practice appropriate use of this technology neither will our kids. Here are ten steps you can take to begin modeling healthy choices.
1. Turn off cell phones and mobile devices during meals.
2. Set shutdown times for phones and computers in the evening to begin winding down before going to bed.
3. Do not text while driving!
4. Keep personal conversations private.
5. Don’t be an extreme multi-tasker. Don’t talk in line at the bank or grocery store, don’t text while talking on the phone.
6. Put your phone or mobile device on vibrate or silent when in settings such as, libraries, schools, performances, meetings, movie theaters, places of worship etc.
7. Follow the rules; turn off your phone, mobile device and/or laptop in hospitals or on airplanes when asked to do so.
8. If expecting an urgent call let the people you are with know in advance and excuse yourself when the call comes in.
9. Don’t fall into the email and text trap. Remember a personal conversation can be the best, most effective and efficient way to communicate.
10. Take advantage of car time with your family. Avoid cell phone conversations when you have the opportunity to talk to the person sitting next to you. Important conversations can happen on the way home from work or school. It is also a time to be aware of how your child or family member is feeling, pick up on the nonverbal cues.
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