Depression, Addiction and Relationships, A New Study looks at impact for Women and Families

A new study from the University of Michigan illustrates the role relationships play in worsening depression and addiction for women. The article summarizing the findings from the study reports several interesting results. These results have a significant impact on families considering treatment. It finds that unlike other disorders, including anti-social personality disorder, depression in addiction-prone women does not improve over time, it actually worsens. This is particularly important for families considering treatment because it helps answer the question "will she just grow out of it?" When it comes to addiction and depression the answer according to this study, is no. Among the other results and the influencing factors the study finds:

1. The women’s partners’ struggles with addiction and antisocial behavior, such as run-ins with the law, worsened the women’s own symptoms and behaviors.

2. Children’s behavior also had a negative impact on their mothers. When children exhibited behaviors that included acting out and getting into trouble, their mothers’ alcohol problems and antisocial behavior tended to worsen. Meanwhile, when children were sad, withdrawn or isolated, their mothers’ depression increased.

These two findings draw direct links to the role relationships play in the mental health of women, and are consistent with the anecdotal information we, at Spring Ridge Academy, have found with our students and families. We have seen many young women make great gains in their maturity and the regulation of moods and addictive behavior, only to see those same students relapse in relationships. These young women with "good intention" (albeit misguided) frequently choose boyfriends that need to be "rescued." Predictably, rescuing fails, and relapse for the young woman ensues, bringing with it mood disregulation and the return of depressive symptoms.

The second finding regarding the impact of children's mood and behaviors on mothers provides further support and incentive for a holistic approach which includes family therapy in any treatment process. Both factors illustrate the importance that relationships play in lives of women. Young women not only treatment that addresses compulsive behavior and depression, they also need a model of healthy relationships. Equally as important is the opportunity to begin to practice forming and maintaining healthy relationships in a safe and progressively challenging environment. The author of the study Anne Buu Ph.D. echoes this point in her assertion that based on these findings treatment interventions “might have the most impact if they improve social supports, educational opportunities, access to family counseling and neighborhoods environments,” Buu says.

I Want To Do It ALL BY MYSELF!

As the mother of a 2 year old I hear this phrase daily. For my son it is an age appropriate, developmental need to experience autonomy and to discover he is able to solve problems on his own. Unfortunately for adults this desire to solve problems on our own is not always age appropriate, nor does it work in families. Families by definition are systems. Systems require cooperation and communication to function. Operating in isolation can quickly lead to the breakdown of the system. Why is it so difficult to ask for help when we need it the most?

Often it is because we are afraid, embarrassed and ashamed. It seems easier to hide our "faults" and "problems" than to burden others with what we believe we should be able to handle ourselves as parents, professionals and adults. The truth is this belief system simply does not work. It limits and isolates, creates stress and even despair.

Many parents are in this position when they enroll their daughters at Spring Ridge. They feel alone and are grieving the loss of what they had dreamed of for their daughter. Nothing they have tried has worked to stop their daughter's downward spiral. Dealing with these issues is often isolating. The parents of other kids don't understand, extended family members second-guess or appear judgmental and the stress drives many inward.

It is on the heels of these experiences parents arrive at their first SRA workshop, Parent Challenge. Participants are given the space and opportunity to safely share and connect. When that opportunity is acted upon the results can be magical. Participants not only gain insight and build confidence; they create connections, find support and develop what become lifelong friendships. Reaching out for help, while scary, can be a rewarding and even transformative experience. It may not always solve the problem immediately, but it can provide support, connection and hope. Sometimes that is the solution.

Check out what a parent wrote about this process. Adrian Segar has been instrumental in the success of these workshops and in supporting parents. He has a wonderful website, blog and book. Please share your comments on the topic as well!

SRA Parent Immersion Program

The buzz on the SRA campus and among parents recently seems simply to be about parenting. We spend considerable time talking about and assessing parenting styles. This is helpful in determining what has and has not worked for the parents. However, over the past year SRA parents have been asking for more. More details, more hints, more language and more practice working with their daughters. Our parents are looking for specifics. They need more than encouraging advice to “let go and trust the process”. They want to do the best job they can to set structure in their homes and to be effective, loving and confident parents.

In response we have implemented many new features to our program including workshops, orientation for parents, in the moment coaching on visits and a Parent Liaison to work with parents through their questions and concerns. However, the parent of an SRA student recently raised the bar. In an effort to improve her ability to parent her daughter with a “neutral voice” she spent a week on campus. She spent this week studying our staff, how they interacted with students, responded to questions, dealt with conflicts and moved through normal everyday issues and incidents.

Her conclusion, a concise list of the 4 C’s of parenting. She describes them as follows:
Here it is: the 4 'C's'
Be Clear, [give specific requests or directions]
Be Concise,[don't over-explain or be drawn into discussion]
Be Calm, [don't raise a voice level]
Be Consistent [follow up right away and give natural and logical
consequence, positive or negative]

Another parent added the C of Commitment, because as anyone who has participated on this process knows it takes an unwavering dedication to create change (another C). The language is not always natural or intuitive, but the results are tremendous. A healthy, well boundaried parent contributes to a healthy well-boundaried relationship and ultimately a healthy, well-boundaried daughter. While the parenting manual handed out at birth did not explain this, apparently that is how we get those happy and healthy kids.

Home For The Holidays

In an ideal world the holiday season is a time to reflect, relax and celebrate with family and friends. Unfortunately, most of us don’t live in this world exclusively. For the rest of us the holiday season may also include airports, malls, family conflicts, stress and excess. Managing the holidays can be a challenge. Add in a family member in treatment, and the holidays take on an extra element of stress and logistical madness. The first step in preparing for a successful and enjoyable holiday visit is setting reasonable expectations. Whether visiting with your daughter on campus, in the area or at home this holiday will likely be different from previous ones in many regards.


Tips for a successful visit:
· Parents set tone and structure. Talk to your daughter and other family members about expectations and structure. Describe what your goal and purpose is for the visit and what that would look like in terms of structure, behavior and attitude. Listen to your daughter and other family member’s input, but do not defer to your daughter to set the structure and rules or to facilitate discussions “because she knows how to do this from being at SRA”. She is still your daughter and you are still the parent.
· Stick with the routine and structure. Visits are the most important times to practice structure in the home and holidays are no exception. Continue to reinforce healthy choices by scheduling consistent wake-up and bedtimes and maintaining daily exercise and physical activity. Visits are not the time to reward your daughter or give her a vacation from structure. She has been successful because of the structure not in spite of it.
· Beware of the sugar and caffeine beasts! Holidays often bring with them colorful and tasty treats. Overindulgence however, can result in a nasty crash in mood and behavior. Students have been maintaining healthy diets with moderate opportunity for sweets. A drastic change in diet and environment can spell disaster. Keep in mind the concept of eating to nourish. This will assist in preventing food from becoming a reward, an appeasement for guilt or as a replacement of other mood altering substances.
· Dealing with Substance abuse issues. Holidays can include parties. Be mindful of family members in recovery when making holiday plans. Often extended family members can be very eager to see their niece, granddaughter etc. Do not let other’s enthusiasm (or pressure) override your daughter’s safety and sobriety. Talk with your daughter about possible encounters and triggers. Prioritize your events and gatherings in alignment with agreed upon structure and purpose for the visit. You do not need to keep your daughter locked in the house but you do need to make choices that support your family structure and purpose.
· Stay on purpose. Gift giving can be a wonderful part of the holidays or… an easy way to slip back into guilt and entitlement. If buying gifts discuss a budget and stick with it. Encourage creative and meaningful gifts that don’t necessarily cost a lot of money.

Giving Thanks

As we enter the holiday season it seems fitting to discuss gratitude. What will you give thanks for this year? What has been most meaningful or most gratifying? A common theme at Spring Ridge Academy is the idea that what we are often most grateful for is the growth that has arisen out of a difficult or painful situation. SRA parents seem to experience this frequently. The idea that what was a terrifying experience and gut wrenching decision to send their daughter away, resulted in a profound and life-changing opportunity. The process of being a part of SRA allows many parents to detach from their daughter’s emotions, experiences and success and to engage in their own personal development, offering a new way to experience themselves and life.

One of the questions we are asked most frequently at Spring Ridge is what is your success rate? We answer that question in mostly anecdotal terms. The reality is if you ask the parents of students who have completed SRA they will tell you it has been a huge success, 95% plus. However, what is impossible to explain at the beginning of this process is how the definition of success will change as a family moves through the program. By the time a student is completing (or not completing) most parents no longer solely define success in terms of their daughter’s grades, goals and attitude, but also by the parents’ ability to separate themselves from their daughter’s experience, see her choices as just that, her choices, and not as a reflection of them. Parents acknowledge their own success and progress in setting structure, maintaining boundaries and establishing an identity not based exclusively on being a parent or spouse. What begins as a crisis seems to often transform into a gift.

As always, we at SRA are grateful for the trust that is placed in us, the connection we are able to make with caring and committed parents and families and the opportunity we have share in the process of healing, learning and growth. Happy Thanksgiving to all of you, and thank you.

We would like to open this discussion to your thoughts on gratitude. What do you find yourself giving thanks for? Is gratitude a value and practice in your family? If so, how is it practiced? If not how would you like to practice it in your family?

Please feel free to comment and share your experience and wisdom.